A Melbourne man is in a serious but stable condition, after collapsing at a Northcote microbrewery overnight.
It is believed that 26-year-old Mark Bernstein collapsed after overhearing a punter mention ‘the NRA’ in conversation at Bob’s Microbrewery on High Street at 9pm last night. Bernstein collapsed immediately and was rushed to Royal Melbourne Hospital where he remains under watch.
Dr Yep Shesfit of the Royal Melbourne Hospital says it’s the worst case she’s seen in a while.
“The last outbreak happened after the 4Corners piece on One Nation – we had to put extra beds on,” Shesfit said.
The man believed responsible, local resident David Morrison, stated that he was referring to the Northcote Residents’ Association and apologised for the mix-up.
“Sounds like there’s been a horrible mistake here and someone’s been hurt, we may have to look in to changing the name,” he said.
Armus Softcocchus Horribilis, more commonly known as Howard’s Syndrome, is a condition that affects mainly Australian men aged 18-50. It is also known to affect women, particularly those aged 35-60.
Howard’s Syndrome was first discovered in 1996 in Victoria and since then has spread throughout the country and even into New Zealand in recent times. It’s usually triggered by the sight or mention of firearms and can be potentially deadly when used in conjunction with mentions of America.
“We’re hoping this strain doesn’t mutate into the more potent NoLoicencus Softcocchus Horribilis which we see in the UK, which can be triggered by something as simple as the sight of a kitchen knife, scissors or any sharp implement,” Dr Shesfit said.
Symptoms include projection of sexual inadequacy onto firearm owners, obsessive thoughts over John Howard, prolonged screeching and voting for the Nationals.
“We usually monitor the soy and oestrogen levels of the patient to ensure they are at a safe level for us to begin treatment,” Dr Shesfit said.
“In extreme cases with males, castration may be performed.”
Bersntein remains in a stable condition but states that this should serve as a warning to others.
“Be very careful what acronyms you use in Melbourne, not just pronouns,” he said.